35 Ex-Cons And Prison Guards Share Their Craziest, Most Unbelievable Stories From Prison

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Prison seems to be a scary place, I say ‘seems‘ because I have never been to prison, although for some reason I have always wanted to spend a weekend in the slammer just to experience it.

With that said, here are 35 crazy stories straight from the mouths of ex-cons and prison guards who spent a fair amount of time behind prison walls.

1. Apparently suicide in prison is an everyday kind of thing.

Cousin got out recently.

Craziest thing he saw was during his lunch one day, some guy intentionally leaning over a third story railing and falling on his head, breaking his neck and killing him after a few gargling moments later.

Everyone just kinda looked over, went “Huh…fuck. That looked like it sucked.” and went back to eating.

2. Well that sounds unsettling!

Was in prison watching the news. The story on was about a kid who had stabbed two kids. He was sitting right next to me. We both shared a brief glance, then went back to our fruit loops.

3. It’s sad how desperate the meth addicts in prison get.

I have a friend in law that works at a county prison and the craziest thing she has seen is when a new meth user comes in the other meth addicts will lick any sores they have because some of the chemicals will leak out.

4. So ‘Orange Is The New Black’ is more realistic than I thought.

orange-new-black

I was in the circle with this guy who was a diabetic and the c/o’s denied him his medicine saying he was a liar an he really didn’t have diabetes. He ended up dying the next day. Probably we’re looking for a violent story but I just thought that shit was pretty crazy they later on said they gave him his insulin but he refused to take it.

5. He would know.

A prisoner called into a local radio show. He said they once let a group of them watch a movie. The movie was some horror movie. He said, when the killer snuck up behind some girl and slit her throat, the guy next to him said, “that’s not what it looks like.”

6. This guy had a pretty shitty life.

Most f*’d up thing I ever saw was a man who had spent 27 years in prison and was about to be released after DNA proved his innocence via the “actual innocence project” was killed by some young kid that was 18 because the Aryans wanted him to be made an example of …Now a kid that was going to serve six months is serving life, and a man who served life died due to injuries and age, all for some gang bull….

7. Fourth time’s a charm…?

Interior views of traditional prison

My friend works at a prison hospital. A guy was sent there because the guards found out he had swallowed a balloon of heroin. They were basically just waiting for him to pass it. When he did, he immediately dug it out of his own shit and ate it again. So they waited for him to pass it yet again, watching him more carefully this time, but when he did he somehow fought and got to his shit again and ate it a third time. I have no idea what this guy was trying to accomplish by continuing to eat the balloon again, but it almost burst inside him and could have killed him if he had been able to swallow it a fourth time.

8. The things people will do once they get into prison…

Prison was never as bad as jail. People in prison usually man up and get with it after a month because we have to. But in jail, there’s a bunch of candy ass kids who usually spend time all day on the phone with friends and girlfriends, crying most of the time. The most pathetic sight was seeing what some of these kids would do to get food. I saw a kid come in to serve 30 DAYS for DUI and after a week he was giving hand jobs in the shower for soups. Those drug addicts are pathetic sights once they can’t get their fix.

9. This guy got sentenced to jail for the dumbest “crime.”

In September I went to jail for a day because I didn’t have enough money to pay at my arraignment. I was put in a holding cell with 5-6 other dudes who were waiting to either see the judge, or get transferred to Wayne County’s jail. While I was hanging out in there, I spoke to a black guy who looked very similar to Michael Clarke Duncan from The Green Mile. He told me he was in jail due to contempt of court.

When I asked him to elaborate, he told me how he took a bus to his sentencing as he didn’t have a car. In Dearborn’s courthouse, you’re not allowed to bring any cell phones with you, as they must be kept in a car or what have you. He didn’t want to leave his outside, so he actually put it in his ass. Yeah. He put his fucking phone up his ass.

So he’s in court, waiting for the other people to get sentenced, or whatever, when his phone starts to go off. Loudly. Pissed, the judge stops the session and yells, “who’s phone is going off?” Black dude raises his hand and the judge tells him to stand up. “Get your phone and turn it off immediately!” he screams. Slowly, the guy reaches into the back of his pants…

He got sentenced 10 days in jail for that.

10. This guy was in jail with the serial stabber from Flint, Michigan.

 

There was a serial stabber in Flint, Michigan a couple of summers ago. A friend of mine went to jail for awhile and his cell was right above his. They’d have conversation ranging from hating black people to politics to food. Apparently he’d snap from totally normal to a totally racist crazy.

I hope I never go to jail.

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