One liners have long been a part of my humorous demeanor. Whipping out a one liner mid conversation and making people laugh is one of the best feelings in the world. Laughter is truly the best medicine and with the one liners below, you can be the doctor that delivers that medicine!
1. My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
2. Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
3. Life is like toilet paper, you’re either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.
4. That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is “act natural, you’re innocent”.
5. If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive, try missing a couple of bill payments.
6. You know you’re ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
7. I changed my password to “incorrect”. So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say “Your password is incorrect”.
8. If you’re not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?
9. I named my hard drive “dat ass” so once a month my computer asks if I want to ‘back dat ass up’.
10. What’s worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face? Finding out it was traced.
10. Why did the blonde stare at a frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said “concentrate”!
11. How do you embarrass an archaeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
12. One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, “Please send me a sister.” Santa Clause wrote him back, “Ok, send me your mother.”
13. A Blind man walks into a bar… And a table, and a chair.
14. If you really want to know about mistakes, you should ask your parents.
15. The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.
16. I eat my tacos over a Tortilla. That way when stuff falls out, BOOM, another taco.
17. Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adam’s banana.
18. I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.
19. I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
20. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea … does that mean that one enjoys it?
21. I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it’s Election night.
22. Why do we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
23. I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.
24. Accidentally pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole new level.
25. My job is secure. No one else wants it.
26. There is a new trend in our office; everyone is putting names on their food. I saw it today, while I was eating a sandwich named Kevin.
27. Morning is the time when everyone is jealous of unemployed.
28. I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now, I think I’ll start calling them traditions.
29. I’m glad I know sign language, it’s pretty handy.
30. When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
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