10:26 p.m., Saturday @ (undisclosed Philadelphia bar)
It was a typical Saturday night for John Lardo, he was out on the town with his boy’s, the tequila shots were flowing and he was rockin’ his new J.C. Penny button up and best of all…John didn’t have to work on Sunday.
The words didn’t come easy from Lardo’s mouth as he began to recall the nights events to one of our AJ staffers. It was clear from the get go that what took place that evening was something that will stay with Lardo for some time to come.
It was roughly 10:26 p.m. and as stated before, John was out with his bro’s on a typical Saturday evening. “Oh man, you bet we love going out clubbing, just the boy’s you know. Just some super cool dudes, sipping back some booze and scouting out the ladies” Lardo explained.
(Check out the interviews Q & A Below)
AJ Staffer : “So I totally get that you were out with your boy’s having a good time, but why are you so shaken up that particular evening John“?
Lardo : “Alright, so we are sitting there at a high top just relaxin’ all cool ya know. Andy was telling the same lame jokes, Tommy was talking dirty about every single woman that walked by, Sam was trying to act straight but we all know he is jonzin’ for some wee wee and I was just taking it all in. Nothing special ever happens when we go out, typically we all end up sleeping in our own vomit on Tommy’s living room floor while he goes to tangy town with any woman that was drunk enough to go home with him and three other drunk dudes.”
AJ Staffer : “Umm, ok. So what made this night so different“?
Lardo : “Well we had been at the bar for a little over an hour, at this point we have already had a bit too much to drink and we still had another two and half hours until last call. Tommy bailed and was feeling up some yahoo chick from the local hair school and Sam had taken off to have smoke…smoking a pole probably…sorry I couldn’t resist. So I am left sitting at the table with Andy and he just wouldn’t shut the fuck up so I totally tuned him out and then it happened.”
AJ Staffer : “Oh my, what happened John…”
Lardo : “What happened? I’ll tell you what happened. The woman of my dreams and or fantasies walked in…more like danced in but either way it appeared she was moving in slow motion. Call it fate, call it being the only table available at the time, but she sat at the table right next to me and storyboard Andy. Her and her girlfriend, clearly out for a drink and looking for love…and maybe an appetizer or something to.”
AJ Staffer : “This is getting good John…go on.”
Lardo : “So she orders a Mich Ultra, no glass, sipping it straight from the can…that was the first sign that we were perfect for one another, she didn’t even wipe down the rim before pressing her supple lips to the aluminum. Over the next 45 minutes her and I made subtle eye contact, shared the occasional smile and or wink…things were going so freakin’ awesome and I was giggling like a school girl during Lent.”
AJ Staffer : “Now I’m getting excited, but I still don’t see why you were so upset earlier John…I mean you seem pretty stoked right now.”
Lardo : “Well you just hold that thought my dear reporter pal, let me tell you what happened next. So there we are, exchanging looks like we are both stalking the shit out of one another and Tommy friggin’ shows up again, talking extremely loud and embarrassing the crap out of me. ‘Hey bro…who’s the hoe you keep staring at’ he say’s, just loud enough for my lady friend to hear. Thankfully Tommy left just as fast as he showed back up. So we are about a half hour away from last call and I am simply wasted at this point but feeling smooth as butter. My opportunity has risen, my lady friend’s friend had just got up to take a leak and there was an open seat. I casually got up, took two steps to the right and planted my ass in her friend’s seat.”
AJ Staffer : “No you didn’t, John…that’s awesome!”
Lardo : “Awesome? Awesome my ass. No sooner did I sit down shit started hitting the fan. Nothing went right, nothing at all. I tried to say hello, and I slurred my words. I reached out to shake my future wife’s hand and I fucking hit my beer bottle and spilled beer all over god damn place. I grabbed a napkin and tried to frantically wipe my new lady friend down, not thinking because I was wasted and blinded by love I was wiping her crotch like a psycho. In my head I was simply trying to help, but what happened next was probably one of the worst things that has ever happened to me.
AJ Staffer : “Oh No!”
Lardo : So I am frantically wiping this poor woman’s crotch, she is squirming around, telling me to stop and with every ‘STOP!’ I hear her say it feels like I am being stabbed in the heart. I mean, I have not even said a word to this beautiful creature yet and all I could think about was the fact that my future wife’s first words to me are going to be STOP!, STOP!, STOP!. The wiping then came to a very abrupt stop. Everyone in the bar had stopped to gawk at the situation at hand, the band stopped playing, the wait staff stopped serving and there I was, wiping a strangers crotch while she screams stop. Just when I thought the worst was behind me, I get a tap on my shoulder…I turn…and I got hit square in the noggin. Everything after that moment is a little fuzzy, but I do remember bits and pieces. As I was falling towards the floor, my vision blurred I saw a very masculine man standing above me, his lips moving very fast, he was surely speaking something, but I could not comprehend nor hear anything. My head hit the floor, bounced and during that bounce I was able to see one last little glimpse of the nightmare I was living…the very masculine man, the same one that knocked my ass out…yea…he was embracing the woman of my dreams…as everything faded to black I felt sorrow…I could not feel my face, but I felt sorrow…I know I did.
AJ Staffer : “Wow, I am nearly speechless John.”
Lardo : “I don’t blame you. I think I could have loved her, I mean really, really loved her. I messed up big time, (sigh)…big time! I met the woman of my dreams…and then I met her husband……what a dick!
We have since tried to contact Lardo for a follow up commentary to this epic story of lost love but sadly Lardo was no where to be found.
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