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”I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.”
”Dyslexic man walks into a bra”
Doc, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green Green Grass of Home’. He said: ‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome’. ‘Is it common?’ I asked. ‘It’s not unusual’ he replied.
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
I went to buy some camouflage pants the other day but I couldn’t find any.
Teacher: “Anyone who thinks they are stupid may stand up!”
Nobody stands up
Teacher: “I’m sure there are some stupid students over here!!”
Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: “Ohh, Johnny you think you’re stupid?”
Little Johnny: “No… i just feel bad that you’re standing alone…”
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Police: Where do you live?
Me: With my parents
Police: Where do your parents live?
Me: With me
Police: Where do you all live?
Police: Where is your house?
Me: Next to my neighbors house
Police: Where is your neighbors house?
Me: If i tell you, you wont believe me.
Police: Tell me
Me: Next to my house
Dad: Say daddy!
Dad: Come on, say daddy!
Dad: F*ck , just say daddy!
Baby: F*ck, Mommy!
Mom: Honey, I’m home!
Mom: Who taught you that?
Dad: Son of a b*tch.
Boy: The principal is so dumb!
Girl: Do you know who I am?
Girl: I am the principal’s daughter!
Boy: Do you know who I am?
Boy: Good! *walks away*
When people go underwater in scary movies, I like to hold my breath and see if I would have survived that situation. I almost died in Finding Nemo.
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