{"id":1693,"date":"2015-02-16T12:11:56","date_gmt":"2015-02-16T17:11:56","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/awesomejelly.com\/?p=1693"},"modified":"2017-03-27T09:16:09","modified_gmt":"2017-03-27T13:16:09","slug":"rectum-damn-near-killed-one-mans-personal-journey-work","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/awesomejelly.com\/rectum-damn-near-killed-one-mans-personal-journey-work\/","title":{"rendered":"Rectum, Damn Near Killed Him – One Man’s Personal Journey To Work"},"content":{"rendered":"

Waterville, Maine<\/strong> : This True<\/em>\u00a0Story Told In First Person by Ronald Challe’.\u00a0<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Driving in to\u00a0work early one Thursday morning my thirst was such that it needed quenching. \u00a0I banged a right into the local Cumberland Farms convenience store, running over a curb, nearly losing the front fender of my 1986 Isuzu Pup. \u00a0The thought of the\u00a0cold, crisp tartness of an Ocean Spray cranberry juice coating\u00a0my throat\u00a0was simply irresistible and if I had to lose a fender to get one…it would be well justified.<\/p>\n

After purchasing the tarty greatness and consuming the entire bottle in nearly one gulp, my body seemed somewhat rejuvenated. \u00a0Little did I know that the events that were about to take place would in fact haunt me for the rest of time.<\/p>\n

Stopped at a red light, the first of many I should say, the feeling of impending doom began to set in. \u00a0My abdomen began to spasm, a tingling sensation had taken over all four of my major extremities. \u00a0Sweat began to pour down my face like the rains down in Africa. \u00a0I was disoriented and slightly short of breath. \u00a0Could this be a reaction to that tasty beverage that I had just consumed?, I thought. \u00a0As the light turned green, I could barley feel my foot hitting the gas pedal, with every push of the pedal the tingling worsened.<\/p>\n

Should I go to the hospital? Should I pull over? Should I continue on this journey to work? These types of thoughts consumed me, but I knew I needed to press on and make it to work on time.<\/p>\n

The rumbling worsened, the salt from my sweat was now interfering with my vision as it dripped into my eyes. \u00a0I felt as though I needed some sort of release, a release of gas perhaps…that turned out to be one of the worst ideas I have ever had.<\/p>\n

\"poop_pants\"<\/a><\/p>\n

As I slowly opened my anal cavity there was an explosion…the only thing I can compare it to is an I.E.D. being set off in the top of a Hawaiian volcano. \u00a0Moist, warm feces began to fill my tighties and my foot hit the gas…only to be followed by the brake due to yet another red light. Cars surrounded me, I could not pull over, I could not back up and mini explosions began to take place in my pants. \u00a0There are no diapers nor undergarments available today that could carry or take on a load such as this. \u00a0All my windows immediately went down, the air was thick and I was gasping for a breath of fresh air. \u00a0The waistband of my pantaloons was stretched to its limits and eventually being breached by the muddy waters flowing directly from my large intestine. \u00a0“Damn you Ocean Spray, Damn you tasty, refreshing beverage”. \u00a0On a good note, I did have the rest of the day off.<\/p>\n

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Waterville, Maine : This True\u00a0Story Told In First Person by Ronald Challe’.\u00a0 Driving in to\u00a0work early one Thursday morning my thirst was such that it needed quenching. \u00a0I banged a right into the local Cumberland Farms convenience store, running over a curb, nearly losing the front fender of my 1986 Isuzu Pup. \u00a0The thought of the\u00a0cold, crisp tartness of an Ocean Spray cranberry juice coating\u00a0my throat\u00a0was simply irresistible and if I had to lose a fender to get one…it would be well justified. After purchasing the tarty greatness and consuming the entire bottle in nearly one gulp, my body seemed <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":1695,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"wprm-recipe-roundup-name":"","wprm-recipe-roundup-description":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[1,29,5843],"tags":[628,627],"yst_prominent_words":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/awesomejelly.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1693"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/awesomejelly.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/awesomejelly.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/awesomejelly.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/awesomejelly.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1693"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/awesomejelly.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1693\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":38061,"href":"https:\/\/awesomejelly.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1693\/revisions\/38061"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/awesomejelly.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/1695"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/awesomejelly.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1693"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/awesomejelly.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1693"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/awesomejelly.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1693"},{"taxonomy":"yst_prominent_words","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/awesomejelly.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/yst_prominent_words?post=1693"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}